Anon71's Blog

Thursday Dec 2, 09

anon71 — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 13:45:12 +0000

Yup, still pregnant. Where have I been? I’ll be 22 weeks tomorrow, I was up about 20 pounds at 20 weeks. Probably more by now. Exercise was going ok but this week, non existant, plus poor eating. I’m still struggling with binges but without coupling them with periods of dieting, I feel out of control. I’m having a hard time with the weight gain, seeing numbers I never wanted to see again. Also, feeling like I’m gaining too fast since I still have a lot of weeks to go and figure I’ll put it on even faster as the baby actually gets bigger. The doctors haven’t said a word about it though I still dread the scale each appointment.

I don’t particularly look pregnant, just fatter. My arms seem bigger, I look really thick around the middle. I know some of it is pregnancy. The baby is still low and the effect is that it pushes all that fat I had around the middle up and out as things rearrange inside, at least that is my guess. So upper belly is squishy and fat, lower is a little harder but still has that layer over it. I wish I could experience this starting from a more normal weight. I’m hoping a few more weeks and I’ll just look genuinely pregnant. I also think some clothes that fit better would help because the baggy sweaters just make me look bigger. Bras would help too.

Anyway, despite the body issues things are going well. We had a small scare at my 12ish week scan with an increased risk of down syndrome. Ended up having the amnio and everything is fine. So that was about 17 weeks, got the ok at 18 weeks and now we can just kind of enjoy it. I felt physically a lot better around 16 weeks, more energy, less blah feeling. Never got sick, only nauseous a few times, I just felt tired and off for the first part. I’ve also had intermittent heartburn which can mostly be controlled by eating less and avoiding certain foods. I think I figured out this week that coffee is a no. I was having it occassionally, usually decaf, but I had some regular earlier this week and had the worst heartburn day in a while. So strike that from the list.

I started feeling what I’m pretty sure is movement the day after thanksgiving. It feels mostly like little twitches but it goes on for awhile. Mostly seems to happen after I eat, if I’m sitting quietly and paying attention, though I’ve also noticed it early am before I get up. I can’t think of what else I will want to remember when I look back at this so I’ll leave off here.

Thursday, August 27

anon71 — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 18:32:48 +0000

I’ve abandoned this again. So I’m still pregnant, I’ll be 8 weeks tomorrow. I seem to have already gained about 7 pounds according to 2 doctor’s scales. Lovely. I haven’t kept up exercising the way I was the first week I knew, mostly because of feeling really tired and overall kind of crappy. I’ve been eating too much because for once I can’t diet and because it generally makes my queasy feelings go away. Still, it’s too much and I need to reign it in. I wish I had started out lighter but it’s too late for that.

So, I got out intuitive eating, I haven’t read it yet. I started writing down what I’m eating today. I don’t want to count calories but I was thinking of taking the approach of trying to get in certain numbers of the various food groups. It’s 2:30, I ate lunch at 12:30 and I already feel hungry but then I don’t think I’ve had enough water today so I’m going to try that first. I actually feel pretty decent today, which kind of makes me worry too, we have no proof that things are going well other than a “pregnant feeling uterus”. No evidence of heartbeat or measuring u/s like some people get. Why didn’t I stick with Janet for the first tri? But, is there any reason to think things aren’t ok?

Saturday August 1st, 2009

anon71 — Sat, 01 Aug 2009 12:46:03 +0000

Hmm, things have changed a little bit. Wednesday night we had our drs appointment, got back too late to go to the tennis dinner so we went to the diner and then coldstone. Thursday I took my first pregnancy test, positive. I haven’t been eating great since then but I’ve been thinking about how I’d like to approach this if it sticks. I’ve been waking up too early lately, 6 today which was an improvement over the last 2 days, so I got up about 6:40 and went for a walk. Then I did the cathe 30 minute chest/triceps. I really want to get fit during this time. C doesn’t want me to play hockey, I’m not sure how I feel about it, on the one hand it took us 10 months to get to this point, I sure don’t want to eff it up if I don’t have to, not that I think hockey would do anything at this point. So I’ve thought about trying intuitive eating, why not now? I don’t know if I’m capable but I’d like to try it. I don’t want to be obsessive. I guess I could read it and see.

Wednesday 7/29/09

anon71 — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 16:08:15 +0000

Apparently I’m not sick of being fat. Over the weekend I pretty much ate with abandon. Saturday- a chocolate croissant and fruit, a hot dog, an ice cream, tostitos galore, homemade pizza, a cocktail. Not good but not the end of the world. Sunday-eggs, bacon, fruit, english muffin, dip into the wheat thins before I go play tennis, after tennis, stand around eating handfuls of gummy bears. I get home and dig into the tostitos again and some cheese. We go to the movies and I have a whole bag of peanut m+m’s. Get home, it’s late, not hungry, eat more tostitos anyway plus some roast beef. Monday rolls around, eat fine during the day, go home and binge on wheat thins and chocolate covered pretzels. Eat full dinner, binge somemore on whatever I can find. Tuesday at work I’m in a foul mood, cave and buy a twix bar in the afternoon. Go home, binge on cheese and crackers and whatever else I can fit in my mouth. Eat full dinner. Lovely.

So today is Wednesday, I weighed in even though I knew it had to be bad so kudos for that, I’m up like 4.6 or .8. Fine. Can we get back on track? So far today I’ve journalled my points but I’m going out tonight. So frigging what, can you do your best to guesstimate and not take it as a sign to hog? I haven’t been exercising either but let’s take it a step at a time. Not likely to exercise today because of the dinner plus drs appt but there is always tomorrow. Oh right, supposed to be hockey tomorrow. See if the rain holds off.

Wednesday 7/22/09

anon71 — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 13:41:23 +0000

Ugh, so bad, so bad. I’m out of control on the crap eating, I let the weekend of abandon basically continue into the week, never good. Baked goods, potato chips, tostitos, cocktails. Not paying attention to my body.

So I weigh in today even though I really didn’t want to and I’m down .2. huh? I’ll take it though, can I get down to that 10% next week? Sure, the weekend could be tough again but we’re home and I should be in control of the food. I’m sick of being fat. Come on.

Wednesday 7/15/09

anon71 — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 16:29:25 +0000

Back down to 185.8. Now I just have to keep it up or rather down. I feel pretty good. I guess I always do when I’m sticking to the plan and exercising. Last night before tennis I did do some pushups but no planks. I had scrambled eggs and a cheese toasted eng muffin then I wanted a sweet so I had chocolate milk. Then my stomach hurt but it didn’t end up effecting me much, I felt better out on the court. I had about 2.5 points left when I came home so I had some watermelon, didn’t record it since my points reset today.

Today I feel like I’m just plugging along, I suddenly have a pile of actual work to do and I have to write a paper by tomorrow, ugh. I have tennis tonight, hopefully I’ll be home by 9ish and I can work on it, otherwise, when is it going to get done? I need to go work on it now instead of typing here.

Tuesday 7/14/09

anon71 — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 11:52:59 +0000

My bike to/from work was very nice yesterday. It was a beautiful day. I was following my plan, salad then pizza then taking my test. Then I had a bowl of ice cream with raspberries that I didn’t really have the points for (used aps) and wasn’t hungry for necessarily. I just wanted it and the raspberries won’t last forever. But other than that it was a pretty good day, my body feels much better eating in control, suprise surprise.

I felt a little better about the procreating situation after getting it out on here. I really don’t think it’s helping me to post about this stuff on adl because I obsess and it also becomes a little like a competition and everyone is winning except me. I feel a little bitter when it works out for others, even poor drf who has been struggling for a year plus, I can’t even be happy for her? I just feel left behind. I have no control over this, I have to accept it. I’m doing what I can to be proactive but I just don’t have any control. I can’t make the doctor see me any earlier, I guess I could request it but I don’t want to be a pain in the ass. I wish (and I still could) that I had asked for a heads up about what he might suggest so we can at least research and think of questions we might have.

I feel like while I’m waiting the least I can do is work on getting in the best possible shape. I never made it to my goal, why not now? I want to do some pushups and planks when I get home tonight before tennis. There, it is now a goal for today, and don’t eat junk at tennis.

Monday 7/13/09

anon71 — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 19:56:11 +0000

Let’s backup, softball bar I did have beer but maybe 1 1/2 glasses so no biggie. I got the salad, dressing on the side. I did have a bit of the nachos and some of c’s fries. But then when I got home I made my best guess and journalled it, whoopie.

Friday, I did not really exercise, took a walk once c got home. I was upset about the sperm analysis news, more later, and I didn’t feel like cooking so we went out. I had a sandwich with brie, sweet potato fries and we split a sundae but it wasn’t huge. Again, I made my best guess at journaling the points.

Saturday I biked to the gym and went to step class. I realized from wearing my heart rate monitor that I need to bump up the step height, I’m not burning what I should be. Then I had a second snack/breakfast. We went raspberry picking, came home with a late lunch from the deli, I got a chef salad. Guessed on the points. Later I felt mildly hungry and I had a piece of leftover pizza but again, I counted it all (best guess). Lot’s of guessing going on.

Sunday I didn’t get up as early as usual, lazed around a bit and then debated about the gym. Then I looked at myself in the mirror and decided I really should go. So I biked again and did some weights. Had breakfast when I got back, had a sort of slip up with chocolate milk but all measured and accounted for so that’s ok. We went to the graduation party and sort of mindlessly ate cheese and crackers. Tried to count it all once home, don’t know how I did. I had a piece of the costco chocolate cake and as I was eating it it just felt too heavy but I kept eating it. I did leave a little bit so I guess that’s good but I should have stopped earlier, I wasn’t enjoying it as much as I should for the points. I probably underestimated but that’s ok.

Today, I biked to work and I’ll bike home obviously. I have a number of points left but I’m planning to make pizza which uses a ton. I need to have a salad first. I don’t have much left for weekly points but I do have my aps.

I’m feeling so down about the procreating business. I just feel so much pressure because of my age and while there is nothing I can do about it I can’t seem to let it go either. Partly I think it’s because I want potential child to have a sibling and if it’s taking this long to have one how is that ever going to happen? I’m just so frustrated, we had to wait 2 weeks to get the repeat semen analysis results and now 3 more to get to talk to the doctor about what to do. And by the time we get in I’ll have started yet another cycle so we won’t get to treat for that one either. If I’m handling this so badly how am I going to handle disappointment when we’re actually doing a treatment cycle? First I was so upset at the 2 week wait for the results but I was able to eventually let that go and relax, maybe I’ll be able to again, well, I know I will it just stings right now. The uncertainty and the waiting is driving me nuts. And then I go read the pregnancy chatting on adl which just adds to the insanity, although really it sounds like no picnic so what’s a little delay.

Thursday 7/9/09

anon71 — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 12:21:56 +0000

There’s definitely a disconnect between morning anon and afternoon anon. Sometime around 3-4:30 the desire to go to the gym leaves me. I gave in yesterday, I stopped for fish on the way home then did 100 squats (divided into 4 sets 2 of reg, 2 of plie) and 4×12 or so of pushups against the back of the chair1/2. Today I feel nicely tight in the quads but not overly sore and I can feel the upper body too. So we had dinner, I calcd the points and then I fixed dessert, vanilla ice cream with blueberries. Half a cup of ice cream is miniscule. Then we’re sitting on the couch and around 7:30 I had a fleeting thought that we could go for a walk. The game wasn’t on yet, we weren’t doing much of anything, it was still light and a nice night but I didn’t mention it, I just continued to sit. I’m going to say progress in the sense that I even considered it. But boo on not following up, that would’ve done me some good because I was tired and I really needed to do some reading for my class. Anyway. I used 1 extra point, I got in enough water but not excessive.

Today, softball, going out to the bar. I think I will plan on a salad, dressing on the side and skip the beer. Also get enough water today, journal even if I have to guess.

Wednesday 7/8/09

anon71 — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 13:54:57 +0000

Of my goals for yesterday I think I met water, stayed within my points but instead of squats/pushups I did 30 min on the treadmill. I had dinner, took my test then tallied up the dinner points, realized I had 8 left so I measured out 8 points of ice cream. I was hungry so I think that’s ok. And I stopped after that. And I cleaned up the kitchen and was overall productive. That is a good day.

Today I want to go to the gym or otherwise strength train but I’d really like it to be at the gym. I also need to figure out dinner, probably stop for fish.

I weighed in like I’m supposed to though I knew it wouldn’t be good. Back up to 188.2. I need to focus. I felt so much better yesterday I need to try to remember that feeling. Eat crap, feel like crap. Eat moderately, even working in treats, feel great! This isn’t exactly rocket science.